Poseur to Composer

This mornings, when my mind was fresh and still, I studied the Circle of Fifths and made working model using Rosa Suen's instructions. I plan on experimenting with it more.

Everything went smoothly until late afternoon when I made a decision that compromised my integrity and wasted money I can't afford to spend. The money part I can get over. The integrity part hurts though, and the depression I feel has made it impossible to concentrate on piano tonight. My thoughts are muddy. Words on a page seem like gibberish and practicing scales seems pointless.

Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

Time meditated today: 40 minutes Quality of meditation (out of 10): 2

I don't have adequate light to read score sheets and can't hear audio from my smartphone (I use it to watch instructional videos). There were also reference books piling up in that area, but I bought a table stand at the thrift shop and it's tidier now.

I'll pick up a clamp-on lamp and smartphone speakers tomorrow. Hopefully that'll put an end to my squinting and leaning over.

Still, I was able to practice So What and some free scales exercises I found at PianoLessons.com before it got too dark. Will try again tomorrow.

Time meditated today: 40 minutes Quality of meditation (out of 10): 5

Today I've read two short books on the Circle of Fifths and how it pertains to scales, keys, chords and modes. Reading is passive learning though. To make this information stick I should: 1) work these formulas out for myself using pencil and paper and 2) lay my hands on the keyboard and physically play these scales.

I see how I'm trying to rush the learning process. Like everything else lately.

It's as if I'm not in control of my own life, but instead being swept along in the current of social obligations, urgent tasks, unconscious complexes and other invisible forces.

It's been said that meditation is the most rebellious thing you can do because you stop: stop running the hamster wheel, stop buying and consuming, even stop thinking. The inner self becomes still. That inner stillness becomes an anchor throughout the entire day. It's a feeling of serenity and control – something I lack lately because I haven't meditated with my usual diligence.

So from today forward I'll report how much time I meditated that day (in a single morning session) and score the session out of 10 (10 being optimal focus and intensity).

Here's my first entry:

Time meditated today: 20 minutes Quality of meditation (out of 10): 3